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By Anna-Maybritt
I am sitting in my bed with my laptop on a Friday evening in the start of January, and recalling my wonderful experiences from the Heart of Tantra-retreat from December 27th 2010 to January 2nd 2011.
I knew already since the Summer Camp 2010 that I wanted to participate – and had promised myself already when I left the Summer Camp that I would be on stage somehow. At that time it seemed very easy to make that promise to myself – and after all, I could always draw it back when the New Year's camp came nearer.
As the months passed, I began to doubt if I wanted to go – after all, I had taken a tapas with not thinking about love relationships for three months, and being in celibacy, but also felt that I could go and just learn about love – after all it couldn't hurt me. I felt a lot of contradictions within – I didn't really know if I wanted to go, I had been working a lot before Christmas and was tempted to just stay at home and pretend to be in the camp, but just stay in mauna in my apartment for the week and paint, write and relax. And I was ill and needed to heal, and all in all, I was just reluctant and didn't really feel that there were any reasons to go that were as good as my wishes to stay at home.
But I went.
And boy, was I in for a lot of surprises...
The first day started out with getting a place in the dormitory and talking to the other girls – a bunch of sweet Shaktis. In the evening I remember a wonderful heart-opening icebreaking activity where I really felt a wonderful energy of love and warmth – and I was quite surprised because normally I haven't been very good at feeling love from others – but that evening I just showered myself in receiving and relaxing, expecting the best.
And then, on the next day, the program really took off – we started working on the Miss Shakti show, and suddenly it seemed that there was no breaks or room to digest – just activity, planning, whirlwinds, energy all around, and missing the men – as we were in polarity for the first days (a time only for women and men being together in two separate programs). I struggled to surrender to this – that I could not decide when to do what, as I was all the time depending on rehearsal schedules, coordination, waiting for the others, waiting for my own inner voice, just waiting. For me as a super Virgo it was quite a challenge – but it went surprisingly well, and I found myself smiling a lot of times, really feeling abundantly happy.
We had very very interesting lectures and meditations – and also in the meditations and exemplifications I felt a lot of joy being released within – I remember that in one of the meditations I had the feeling of being in the middle of God's heart, until it struck me that it was surrealistic to think about the middle of something without limits or boundaries – and in that very moment I felt my own heart expanding infinitely with God's heart and I didn't perceive any difference between me and God. And I just... relaxed.
As the days went by the program got tighter – not the official program, but the personal one. It became more and more difficult to sleep, because there were so many things I wanted to do – but at the same time I felt happy, because I surrendered to this feeling.
And still I had so many moments of just being happy and having a surplus of energy.
Then we had a wonderful ritual where we had a wonderful possibility of experiencing love in different shapes and nuances – a ritual that I hope will be repeated again so that many people will feel the grace.
In this ritual one of the men asked me if I was happy tonight, and I answered: “Yes... I think I am.” And he hugged me and said: “Remember to always be happy”... and I realized that for the last days I had felt happy, but for a wile ago I lost trust in love, or lost faith in love. And I realized that I had been very influenced by the fact that some of the others had been struggling very much with their own self confidence and other personal issues – and that I had a deep feeling that I wasn't allowed to be happy if other people around me were sad or struggling. That really healed some deep emotional wounds in me and I was very very grateful – and once again I realized how merciful God is for always seeing our needs, our real and true needs, and not only the things that we ask Him to heal.
I felt very much that I walked in the grace of Tara – even though I didn't know so much about that specific aspect of God. But in every moment I let go of more and more, and just felt that every time I let go of my ideas of control, I received so much peace and bliss inside.
Then it was time for celebrating New Year's Eve. And we celebrated with meditations and communion. This was very special and blessed for me – I learned so much about the different cosmic powers, and felt so relaxed and soft inside – like my heart was just listening to the sound of Home, to the Father's Heart.
As the morning came, the party took over, but I wanted to stay in the silence of the meditation and communion and went to bed at half past four, with an overflowing heart.
Then came the celebration of Miss Shakti Copenhagen 2011. All the participating girls had prepared a little individual show, and we also had some shows that we did together – like the intro show.
This evening was really really amazing – and very special and sacred for me. I wanted very much to be able to feel transfiguration from others, as I am normally not very good at taking it in – but I wanted to learn it. So on this night, I chose as my personal show to tell a little bit about my world and the things I like to do – and thereby I told about my interest in some of the 64 traditional feminine arts from the Indian culture and Kama Sutra. I had chosen for instance my interest in learning languages, making people laugh, writing, singing, playing, painting, decorating, cooking. And then I read a poem aloud in Danish and in English. But I also felt it was important to me not just to tell things, but also to show – so I chose to stand on stage and just let people look at me – in all my vulnerability and femininity. Let them see my qualities and nature – and let them see my heart.
I really really loved that whole evening – and I felt very surprised to see that my nervousness and anxieties about it just melted away, in benefit of surrendering. I am normally very competitive and much attached to doing things as perfect as possible – but that night I just went on the stage with the feeling that nothing could go wrong, because I was just there to enjoy myself, celebrate all the wonderful women and their unique qualities, and just... have the time of my life.
I was really amazed and thrilled to see all the different qualities that the women manifested – and at the same time I felt very much that we were all one.
I didn't 'win' – but I certainly didn't lose anything either – I was much rewarded with love and openness and the feeling that Everything Was Allright – and that I was just were I was supposed to be. And I was happy to see that I was able to let go of a lot of old habits and needs – normally I would have asked others a lot of times if I was okay, if my show was okay, and if I did okay – but this time I (almost) just relaxed. And I felt so blessed, even with this little 'almost' – I was aware that I had let go of so much, and it was okay that there was still some issues left.
The next day was the last – and we had an absolutely amazing lecture with Mihai and Adina Stoian. All the lectures in the camp were forming a circle where everything was perfectly integrated, every information was holding hands with the others, and I felt I was in the middle of a circle of wisdom – and that it was all a present for me. I really felt the fireworks came with the last lecture and the closing of the camp with crystallization and reabsorbing the spiritual field.
When I came home, I instantly met my old resonances – like a kind of spiritual test. I felt exhausted, and like I had pains in all parts of my body, and like I had no energy at all to transform anything in my life. I had some days off and was able to spend time watching what hit me.
And I soon realized that now was the time for really devoting my life to transformation, to love, to God – instead of doing what I always have done: trying to fix everything I think I can fix myself and then give the leftovers and whatever I find 'nice and neat' to God.
I realized that now was the time for 'the whole package' – not just believing in God, but living in God – surrendering.
And I witnessed with great joy that my job kind of slipped through my hands, and that I suddenly had an open future on that field (wow, then I can start by giving that to God...) - and also other parts of my life suddenly transformed dramatically before my open eyes.
And suddenly I see the symbol of the Supreme Self - Atman in front of me from time to time – and I feel so grateful and surprised that the retreat that I felt so reluctant to participate in, could give me so much, and could liberate so much in me, giving me integrity, strength, love and ability to be a witness to my life.
I also felt so happy and joyful that every time I did something that would normally feel embarrassing or shameful to me, I could instantly transform it into even more joy and laughter – and just see it as a chance to surrender even more. And even now, where I am writing this article and thinking if people will like it, I feel happy because I am aware that I think it – and aware that it cannot in any way separate me from God or love – so again I just watch, learn and surrender.
At some point during the camp I contemplated what my biggest desire was. And I found out that my biggest desire was to reach a point where my biggest desire was total liberation, and nothing else. I think the camp, the love, the spiritual support, the test when I came home, my awareness and surrendering – all these supported by the amazing conditions in the retreat, the wonderful people, the wise lectures, the energy field and maybe my own aspiration – I think the camp opened the doors to this journey for me.
And I am very very grateful – and full of trust in my transformation, in God's grace and love, and I look so much forward to continuing the quest, and exploring the infinite adventure.
I wish you all love...
Anna-Maybritt.
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